I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
