The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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