I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
