why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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