Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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