I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
