I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
