oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
