my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
