If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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