she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
