Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
