Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
