So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
