I want to walk on stilts...naked
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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