never play flip cup with pint glasses
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
