Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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