i just sent this text using only my big toe
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
