I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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