I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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