A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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