i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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