amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
