I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
