I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
