I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
