I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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