my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
