How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
