You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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