i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
