So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
