I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
