my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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