When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
