We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
