Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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