If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Couch. On fire.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
