I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
