My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
