I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
