I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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