you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
