so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
