I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
