if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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