All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
