I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
