I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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