Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
